Last night I got to thinking (uh oh) about what was wrong with me in the most self indulgent way. I am always teetering on embracing or despising my single status. I like being single, don’t get me wrong, but I begin to wonder if that is the way I am forever ment to be and more importantly if that it is my fault.When I feel insecure about this I like to think about Diane Keaton who has never been married or even proposed to. I think there is something not right with a world where someone as beautiful, smart, and funny does not have hoards of men of all ages lined up around the block just to see her. In the movie Something’s Gotta Give they poorly explored this idea by casting her opposite Jack Nicholson who essentially played the same character as he did in Terms of Endearment. Amanda Peet plays her daughter (or herself) as the pretty, vapid, and terribly uninteresting girl clinging to an older more established man to give her the credibility that she is just too ordinary and uninspired to earn herself. Just because she has brown hair that doesn’t mean she is smart (read an interview with Ms. Peet and you may think the pages got stuck together with a Paris Hilton profile). In short, she plays the stereotypical “girlfriend” role and that is a bad, but far to frequently accurate stereotype. The movie is shit. Despite how the story plays out, when the cameras stop rolling the Jack will go back to the Lara Flynn Boyles waifs of Hollywood and Diane will be, well fabulous Diane.
Now I am not saying I am Diane Keaton (although I see a lot of myself in Annie Hall, I don’t know if others would agree) but I wonder is she is haunted by the same sense of inadequacy that I am from time to time. I wonder if she sits around feeling ugly and weird when she faces dissapointments in her life. Well, I don't usually feel ugly but I am weird and much of it may be a result of never being in a relationship too long. For example, if I was spending all my free time with a boyfriend I doubt I would have went to that Sidda Yoga cult retreat chanting on mats and praising a guru instead of practicing my downward dog and sun salutations which is what I thought I signed up for. I probably would have been talked out of my weeklong brown rice fast or the whole six months when I went Macrobiotic. If I had a boyfriend at Villanova would I have left to find something better and more exciting for me? Would I have flown to Miami for the weekend at the spur of the moment by myself last winter without telling a soul because I felt I needed some sunshine, change of scenery, and solitude? Maybe I would have felt complacent in my professional life and not pushed so hard for promotions and raises. I doubt I would have even bought my house.
This past winter I was at a David Berkeley show at WXPN and I ran into a friend of a friend and her live-in boyfriend. She was asking me about my house and job as we were talking about music and such. Her boyfriend was a nice guy but did not hide his distain for the performers subsequently making the show less enjoyable for us. Why on earth was he even there, I wondered. Why didn’t she just go by herself and not have to listen to his incessant bitching or have to apologize for wanting to be there and then thank him for coming along. Fuck that shit. Later in the evening between sets he asked me where my boyfriend was. I told him I didn’t have one to which he said “I thought you said you bought a house?” I should have been mad but instead I felt as thought I was just punched in the gut. All the equity in the world couldn’t help me from feeling so small. The cheese stands alone.
The main problem that I seem to run into is that people get bored of me after three months. Everybody tells me it is them and not me (of course they do, they are my friends and they love me) but the evidence speaks volumes. I can’t change and don’t really want to, I don’t think… Am I failing or is the universe sparing me from limiting my bizarre personal growth until I find someone like Albert Brooks or writer Calvin Trillin(?), both of whom I adore for their humor and kindness. Calvin Trillin dedicated everything he wrote to his wife Alice (who was an amazing individual and pictured with Calvin above) and referenced her in his writing so much that I once read a quote given by their friend Nora Ephron that went something like "any woman who reads Calvin's books or articles is going to be cursed wondering everytime they are with a man, if he can love her as Calvin loves Alice." As a Trillin fan I think I fall into that group.
In the meantime I am been building a little life of my own that isn’t to shabby but I am impatient. Not to find someone but to know if I ever will. I would like to get on with my life if I resign myself to the idea that this is always how it will be.
If that is the case I guess I better start shopping for a few more cats…
7 comments:
I always thought that the reason Diane Keaton is still single is that there just isn't anyone cool enough for her.
On "Lost" Jack has a tattoo that I would like to paraphrase: She walks among us, but she is not one of us
My belief is that there are few men in the world looking for love who are interesting enough to spend the rest of your life with. If you find one, as I did, you should hold onto him as long as possible. And even mine, although I love him dearly, wonders sometimes about topics I bring up and conversations I relay to him that I have had with some of my other more interesting friends, such as yourself, if he is interesting enough for me. But what I love about him is that he is not bored by my rantings, but yet, intrigued, and is willing to listen and learn and try new things. There are many men in the world who are not open to change, and therefore, are intimidated by women such as yourself who are constantly changing their place in the world and their environment and bettering themselves simply because they can. How dare someone assume that because you bought a house, you clearly must be attached to someone, or how and why else would you have done something so bold? You should have punched him. I would have. What single women can't own houses? I think you are brave and amazing for what you do for yourself. I know it gets lonely, but everything happens in its own time, and you have friends to support you until your Calvin comes along.
Hadass, you are the wind beneath my wings.
The Kennedy library, which houses Hemmingway's papers, just received a donation of correspondence between Hemmingway and Marlene Deitrich (did i butcher that spelling?). Apparently the two had an on-going fun flirtation through letters for years. I heard a passage from one letter to her on NPR yesterday. He wrote:
What do you want to do with your life? Break hearts for a dime? You could break mine for a nickle....and I'd bring the nickle.
It struck me as the most romantic thing I had heard in a long time. Where is that old time classic romance of Hemmingways and Calvins?
PS: not that she's not totally awesome, but whats up with Diane always covering her neck?
Wasn't Marlene Deitrich gay?
That is terribly romantic...
Ahhh.
I believe these quotes from Marlene Dietrich sum up her sexuality quite nicely:
In Europe, it doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman - we make love with anyone we find attractive.
To be completely a woman you need a master, and in him a compass for your life. You need a man you can look up to and respect. If you dethrone him it's no wonder that you are discontented, and discontented women are not loved for long.
I am at heart, a gentleman.
Sex is much better with a woman, but then one can't live with a woman!
Wow, I have never been somebody's wind beneath their wings. I am touched.
Romance and chivalry are definitely dead arts in this day and age. Of course, how could they be alive when marriage is as disposable as the lunch you pick up at McDonalds. Luckily there are guys like mine that were taught how to treat a lady and act around a lady by their Mommas. Although his Dad is pretty chivalrous and romantic with his Mom too. They are one of those very sweet married couples who still hold hands and tickle each other and stuff like that.
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