Here's Blogging at You Kid

I am utterly THRILLED to announce that one of my bestest friends, Mr. Keith Walls Lyons has started his own blog about movies. Keith is a staple in the Philadelphia Office of my friendships. Now, when it comes to movies I would say that I know more than most but not as much as some. Keith is that “some” and then some. I remember feeling very pleased with myself when Keith was surprised I knew who Edith Head was around the time we first met and just recently when we discovered a mutual admiration for Nora Ephron.

Mr. Lyons is incredibly witty, smart, clever, and an all around fabulous person that I am lucky to call my friend. He also isn’t afraid to challenge my ideas allowing me to reevaluate myself and for that I am eternally grateful. He is the kind of person who is up for almost any activity just as I am (with the exception that I will never go camping). I feel that you should try everything (except camping) three times before you can really say you don’t like something. For example, I don’t think I like theatre but I always seem to be going, most recently to see Enchanted April this past Tuesday at the Walnut Street Theatre. Keith’s unwillingness to limit himself makes him an engaging individual and I am so glad that now he has a platform to share this wonderful trait with others. I love movies but Keith LOVES movies and I personally can’t wait to hear his take on the movies he has seen.

Put it on your daily!


http://keithsmovies.blogspot.com/

For the record Keith was very drunk when this picture was taken.

Challah Back Girl

I am not Jewish obviously (I am about as gentile looking as one can get) but I love holiday music. This song was sent to our office on the back of box of matzah. Get drunk, watch Yentl (or Fiddler on the Roof) and sing it with your friends this weekend!

A Passover Song
[Sung to the tune of “These are a few of my favorite things”]

Cleaning and cooking and so many dishes
Out with the hametz, no pastas, no knishes
Fish that’s gefilted, horseradish that stings
These are a few of our Passover things

Matzoh and karpas and chopped up haroset
Shankbones and Kiddish and Yiddish neuroses
Tante who kvetches and uncle who sings
These are a few of our Passover things

Motzi and maror and trouble with Pharoahs
Famines and locusts and slaves with wheelbarrows
Matzoh balls floating and eggshell that cling
These are a few of our Passover things

When the plagues strike
When the lice bite
When we’re feeling sad
We simply remember our Passover things
And then we don’t feel so bad


*courtesy of Rabbi Yochonon Goldman

Eat Your Heart Out

Here's another fun Friday question...

If you had to, what would you rather do:

Eat a baboon heart

or

Call your mother a whore to her face

The choice is yours!

This One's Gonna Bruise

Today I need comfort music. I am in a needy mood and I want albums I can listen to all the way through. Singer songwriter music of the female persuasion is just the thing to make me feel loved on a day when I don’t have anybody around to tell me that I’m perfect the way I am and to never change. When I feel like this I always seem to go to the following albums. They are the music equivalent of mashed potatoes or chocolate cake; nothing fancy but the perfect thing to curl up on the couch with and make you feel all better. This is music for girls by girls. Check it out sisters:

Kasey Chambers – The Captain
I discovered her when I was 20 and I have been following this Australian country singer’s career since. I had just moved to Georgia, didn’t know a soul, and was terribly lonely. This album is probably one of the most important ones in my life so far. It got me through a rough time and I never get sick of playing it. The title track makes me cry still and putting it in my CD player feels like visiting an old friend.

Tori Amos – Boys for Pele
I first listened to this on the drive down to Lexington, Virginia in 1996 to visit my sister at college. The music paints dreamy landscapes and when I think back on my teenage years they seems like a dream too.

Patty Griffin – Living With Ghosts
Simply amazing. The one of the most highly regarded songwriters in the music biz. Her songs are covered by everybody but nobody does then better than Patty. Another album that makes me cry. I cry a lot listening to music.

Lucinda Williams – Car Wheels On A Gravel Road
Her best in my opinion though its impossible for her to write a bad song. Not on this album, but the song Essence she wrote with Ryan Adams is heart wrenchingly good.

Beth Orton – Daybreaker
Another big college album for me. This One’s Gonna Bruise is the perfect song when you are let down by a guy (or girl – no judgment here). Besides, who doesn’t love Beth? I’ve seen her every time she comes to town. So far four times.

Dar Williams – The Honesty Room
Changed my life. Simple as that.

How Can You Say I Go About Things the Wrong Way?

“I know its over and it never really began but in my heart it was so real”
--Morrissey

Most people know that I am a huge Morrissey/Smiths fan. I love everything about this fellow vegetarian so much that I even read this horrible book called “How Soon is Never” by Marc Spitz, a writer for Spin (that didn’t bode well even though that's a great title), about some guy who was hell bent on repairing the Johnny Marr/Morrissey rift as a way to heal the wounds inflicted by his tumultuous adolescence.

Anywho, the Pope of Mope is coming to Philadelphia June 29th for a show at the Mann and I am defiantly there. Anybody is free to come with but I will be there regardless even if I have to go by myself like the times I saw him before. I do think it is fitting to go see him solo...

"If you're so funny, then why are you on your own tonight? And if you're so clever, then why are you on your own tonight? If you're so very entertaining, then why are you on your own tonight? If you're so very good-looking, why do you sleep alone tonight? I know ...'Cause tonight is just like any other night, that's why you're on your own tonight. With your triumphs and your charms while they're in each other's arms..."

Ah... So delightfully self-indulgent

I am going to listen to Suedehead and Viva Hate all day today. Maybe Strangeways and Queen is Dead too…

Starstruck

If the world was more vegan friendly I would be one. I tried it but it was too hard going out or being at family functions so I keep a pretty much vegan kitchen but will eat dairy when I go out. Becoming a vegetarian was a process and I just recently dropped the fish and shellfish. I don’t want to preach but being a vegetarian is actually easier for me since I am terrified of the hormone injections and who knows what other shit they give to livestock. Whatever it is, studies are showing that girls who were raised on diets heavy in meat and dairy are getting their periods on average 2-3 years earlier than girls 40 years ago. Scary. Also, the meat industry is reeking havoc on the environment and lastly, I can’t bring myself to eat animals anymore. There is just too much guilt involved and I have enough problems.

Where am a going with this and who is the hot chick in the picture you ask? That is Sarma Melngailis, the sexiest vegan on the planet and one of my personal heroes. She is the co-creator of New York’s Pure Food and Wine raw vegan restaurant. Check out the website http://www.oneluckyduck.com/ where she blogs (its one of my favorite sites I visit regularly) and order her cookbook, its fantastic. Anyway, since this fall I inadvertently lost a very significant amount of lbs. I have been trying hard to keep my weight in a healthy BMI range as well as perk up my increasingly corpselike appearance. I want to eat healthy so I asked Sarma how to gain weight without eating shit and the sweetie pie wrote me back! I feel so special (I really do). This is what she said:

Hello!

I would eat more avocados! And add more nuts and good fats, like macadamia oil on your salads (my favorite b/c it has SO much flavor, and is so good for you). I can't relate myself, as I tend to gain weight very easily, even on a raw/vegan diet, so I do the opposite... try to keep nuts, fats and sweet things to a minimum. But if I could, I'd munch on our rosemary crackers, spicy nuts, and macaroons all day!Again... avocados... I love them, and also they've done studies that show you absorb a TON more nutrients from a salad if it has avocado in it... the fats help the absorption of the nutrients dramatically. Cheers to you...

Warm regards,

Sarma

Guacamole anyone?

Speaking of Ashamed...

Does anyone get this?

If you do, please enlighten me.

Tisk, Tisk, Tisk...

http://www.cnn.com/2007/LAW/03/27/parents.sentenced.ap/index.html

Now ya'll still want to punch the kid?

You should be ashamed of yourself that you picked something that was wrong when there is nothing wrong with spooning a homeless person. They need love too.

And your money for booze.

ASI Management or Asinine Management

I am not liking my current situation at work. My computer is acting crazy and we don’t have a tech person on staff so when we have a problem we call this guy Roman who works upstairs in our building but happens to be in Moscow at the moment. Every time I seem to need him he is in Russia and the feeling of helplessness that ensues makes me want to close my office door and curl up into fetal position under my desk. I don’t like computery stuff because I don’t understand it and have no desire to. Mechanical stuff I get. I personally cannot do it without help but I have a good general knowledge and know why it isn’t working and what needs to be done. It’s a big part of my job. Computers, I am hopeless and helpless. I got so upset today that I couldn’t work on mine that I sat in the stairwell for 15 minutes with a box of Peeps and a mug of soymilk to calm down.

My bosses realize that since they threw another 500,000 sq.ft. office building (see picture) on me that I am spread a little too thin so they hired me an assistant. Doug is a 22 year old Wharton student who is taking a little time off to decide if business is what he really wants to do. Fair enough. His father thinks that he should work while he does that and asked the owner Alex to give him a job to do my filing and filtering my calls. After two weeks he left for Israel live in a kibbutz.

So now I am back to work through what seems like a mile long task list and return the 17 voice messages I received before 8:00am when I got in. Now I know what you are thinking, how does she have time to write this if she is so busy? Good question. I usually write these things while I eat my cereal in the morning and post them when I get a free moment during the day. This I am writing in the middle of the day since I have been on hold with Philadelphia’s L&I department (license and inspection) office for twenty minutes listening to Styx. A strange choice for “on hold” music but it is actually soothing.

Wait, I just got someone. Bye.

One Shot, One Beer, and a Kiss Before I Go

It happens. You have every intention of behaving like a mature adult and go out for only one, two tops, libations and next thing you know your drinking like a southern writer. Do not feel bad. This is the sign of a fun person. People who do not drink even a little bit and define themselves with the term “straight edge” (groan) are not fun people. Not bad, just not fun. If you are one of these people and someone has told you differently then they are lying to you. Plain and simple. Straight edge people are the dead weight who can potentially sink a party. They are only tolerable once you have a smooth enough buzz to forget they are there and designated driving is all they are good for.

I believe that vice less people are the least interesting people on the planet. Unfortunately that is the case and that fact is supported by the snooze fest albums once great bands put out after they dried out. Don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating drunkenness, I am advocating lightening the fuck up. Have a little crazy and immature fun (see this picture of 2 people I love intensely). If you don’t drink you are only invited to half the things you would be and that is the painful truth. Buddhist monks are only interesting from afar.

There is the one exception to this rule and that is of the recovering alcoholic. These have my respect as they have swung from every chandelier and have ridden the mechanical bull of life more than 8 seconds. They have wonderful, sad, funny, engaging stories to tell. They also knew when it was time to dry out and grow up. Even if you are not an alcoholic there is a time when everyone is going to have to cool it a little. In the meantime do some ice luge shots with your sister on New Year’s Eve.

As someone who used to drink way too much way too often I know from whence I speak. The most difficult and important thing to accomplish in life is to learn to navigate the tricky waters between living a life you are proud of and still delighting in the many things there are to take pleasure in. To accomplish this you must make lots of mistakes and nothing helps that along like a few cocktails. Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and painfully dull.

So, say something inappropriate and do something you normally wouldn’t do. You may regret it but maybe it is something you really mean.

Cheers!

What's Your Pleasure?

Yesterday after a nice lunch at the Bellevue I decided to take advantage of the nice weather and stroll down to the Pleasure Chest on Walnut just west of Rittenhouse Square (this is not the store pictured but you get the idea) with Marty*. Marty is dissatisfied with the state of his sex life (oh no, not with me) and thinks that he needs to spice things up in the bedroom. A trip to the local sex shop is not a typical way to spend one’s lunch hour so that alone was reason enough for me to go. Unconventional activities, I’m game. Besides, I enjoy a good sex shop once in a while. It’s amazing what you will find in them. My favorite experience going to one was during a drunken night with my roommate and his then boyfriend. They decided to take me on a whirlwind tour of every gay club/bar in Philadelphia’s famed Gayborhood. We ended up in a S&M shop in the basement of a tri-level leather bar play fighting each other with the whips and paddles. Ah, memories.

Ok, so back to yesterday. We descended into the somewhat hidden “exotic boutique”. Marty and I were confronted with the aroma of cannabis as I made a bee line to the lingerie and corsets which were flimsy and cheap looking (poor quality of clothing, not character of the wearer). My companion browsed the cock rings (vibrating and not), toys, and other accoutrement as I checked out the erotic chocolates and even got a free taste of the butter cream boobies. Because of this I felt obliged to buy something so I picked up some fishnet stockings and a naked lady keychain which I guess I can give to someone as a gift. Marty picked up The Rabbit for his lady love and some other items whose purpose I didn’t really understand. We emerged with our black bags squinting as our eyes adjusted to the bright sunlight and started to make our way back to work.

I guess the point of the story is that you are in market for that certain something extra for that certain special someone, the Pleasure Chest on Walnut Street has a wide selection, reasonable prices, and a knowledgeable staff.

*The name was changed to respect the person in the story's privacy.

New Idiosyncratic Routine

This past week I have been waking up extra early and driving over to Jersey to hang out with my dad before work. The poor man is bored out of his gourd and mornings are especially rough. I know better than anyone how that feels so I burn him CDs of music I think he would like to give him something to listen to as he reads. I get there around 7am and we drink tea and eat butterscotch krimpets (which we call crumpets when we eat them with tea) and watch shows on the History Channel about the Alaskan Pipeline or old episodes of Family Matters. I sit on the floor and play with the cat until it is time for me to go to work.

I really like starting the day this way.

What Would YOU Do?

If you had to, what would you rather do:

1. Spoon a homeless person
Or
2. Punch a kid

Email me or post your answers!

Everything Was Beautiful and Nothing Hurt

Last night I was reading the foreword of Bartlett’s Word’s To Live By which was written by Kurt Vonnegut. In it he referenced this anonymous quote “God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.”

Now, I don’t know about you but to me this sounds like the closing of an AA meeting. Vonnegut interpreted it another way:

“This was said in 1943 by the American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971), simply as part of a sermon on Cape Cod, I’m told. No big deal, he thought. But it was almost as though Albert Einstein had been playing the fiddle and suddenly heard himself say, “Energy equals mass times the speed of light squared.” And Niebuhr’s prayer does indeed have a similar mathematical clarity. I put that prayer into a novel of mine, incidentally, which was published in what used to be the Soviet Union. I am told that thousands of people were thunderstruck by its good sense and copied it out and put it up on a wall or whatever. And communism went bust.”

I read both Slaughterhouse-Five and Breakfast of Champions during one dull weekend in 2002. I really enjoyed them both with the exception of the hints of egotism as both a character in the first and in the latter mentioned book, as the copout dues ex machina ending. Most of all I especially liked how I suddenly was aware of all the pop culture references to Vonnegut around me. He used the quote “Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt” in both novels which the band MeWithoutYou used it in a song. The 90’s Atlanta based band Billy Pilgrim, who I had listened to before reading the books, was named after the Slaughterhouse-Five’s protagonist. I am sure there are countless others I have yet to stumble upon.

Let me get to the point here. What is he saying? Is he implying that one of his writings brought the downfall of communism likening himself to a contemporary Martin Luther with pages of his book nailed to “a wall or whatever” but coming off as an internet inventing Al Gore? Huh. I can't seem to wrap my head aroung this little thing and come up with a comfortable explanation as to his motivation for writing that.

He also fancies himself a Mark Twain-like artist by coping his look. I think he looks like Jim Croce.

Parataxic Distortion is Ruining My Relationships!

Yesterday I was skipping and practicing my whistling down Sansom Street on my daily trip to the bank when I stopped by Joseph Fox Bookstore, and saw a little book titled Weird and Wonderful Words in the window. I popped in purchased an autographed copy. It is a collection of unusual words that are rarely used even though they do exist in the English language. I decided I am going to have a “word of the day” that I will pick from the book and try to use it as many times during the day I can. This may make me look like a total dork but that should come as no surprise to anyone. Last night I curled up with my word book and found this fascinating term:

Parataxic [parr-uh-tack-sick]
Definition:
A term used by the psychologist H.S. Sullivan (1892-1949) to describe the condition in which subconscious attitudes or emotions affect relationships. A parataxic distortion is when you attribute traits of significant people in your past with whom you currently have a relationship. The opposite of parataxis is syntaxis, in which happy state of objectivity and the use of “consensually validated symbols” are the basis of communication.

Something to think about… Try to use it today!

Can't Knock 'em Out, Can't Walk Away

So I know I trashed England a bit yesterday so now I am going to have to eat shit a little.

Lately I have been cleaning my house to British chanteuse/trainwreck Amy Winehouse. I have also been listening to her arch enemy, songbird/slut Lily Allen’s album Alright, Still at work. Now I am a firm believer in growing up and taking sides but when it comes to this I am afraid to say the jury's still out. These two hot messes entertain the hell out of me. I think Amy is more talented but Lily is cuter and that certainly carries weight if you are a pop singer. Lily also seems to have her shit together (relatively speaking) more than Winehouse who is constantly strung out and canceling shows. Not that I care, but I guess it is something I need to figure if I consider a pro or con. The opening track "Rehab" on Amy's album is close to perfection. Just when I think I have a favorite the other one trashes her in the press and I am back on the fence. I love a good celebrity feud.

I guess even the hipster chick set have their Biggie and Tupac.


I noticed people have been checking out my profile so I figured I would put something up there.

Shitsburgh

In the near future I am planning to take a trip to Pittsburgh. By near future I mean this weekend if I don’t go to New York. The main purpose of the trip to Shitsburgh is to go to the Andy Warhol museum. I love Warhol. I can talk about him for days. Shocking, I know. There is something about him that is so fascinating, everything. His early career as a commercial artist in the 50’s to the Factory, to the not-so-surprising assassination attempt, to the 70’s and 80’s sell out of doing commissioned portraits. Somehow the idea of selling out was an artistic statement in itself. I can do a really good Warhol impression and my friend Joseph who worked with me in college at Café at Main could do an excellent Basquiat. We would amuse ourselves and the rest of the staff by conversing as our alter egos during restaurant down time.

There are two dominating artists in the 20th century. The first half owned by Picasso and the second half, Warhol. This is impart to how prolific they were and their social and cultural relevance. I had pushed for a class entirely on Warhol at SCAD and even wrote a letter to the administration with this suggestion for which I received no reply. Instead I had to settle for an “Art After 1945” class. There were several problems with this class mostly having to do with the professor. I don’t remember her name but she was British, and I am generally not crazy about the Brits. I once said I think even they are fooled by their own accents into thinking that they are more intellectual than their American counterparts. Our “professor” gave this spiel in the first class about how hung over she was and her flight problems and some other bullshit my parents were not paying money for me to hear. Well, I had scheduling conflicts so I had to switch to the other class time later that week where she gave the same “hung over from the night before” story. This annoyed me tremendously. She was very young and also a lousy professor. She had nothing to contribute and did not ask us for contributions aside from interpretations of the text. Fucking bullshit I tell you.

Secondly, I really had a problem with her age. This is the only art history class where it was possible to have a professor who lived through this exciting and quickly changing period of our cultural history. SCAD chose not to take advantage of this and subsequently I will forever be a little bitter. Then there is the British thing again. I strongly feel this class needs to be taught by an American since it was American artists who lead every single art movement of the second half of the 20th century. British people should not be teaching American history and art after 1945 is American history.

So, to Pittsburgh I will go. I will continue to teach myself every thing there is to know about modern art and the Andy Warhol museum will be my land of Caanan, my Mecca if you will.

Fallingwater is on the way too and that should be neat.

Disclaimer: the above is the opinion of the author which I believe to be entirely accurate.

Just a Little Off the Top...

This is something I am not particularly proud of, but this morning I had a consultation with Dr. Algirid Mameniskis (see picture), a plastic surgeon I know casually through work. I have been dissatisfied with my peasant nose for as long as I can remember. As a teenage my mother said she would let me have it done if there was a prominent bump but the slight alterations to the tip that I want weren’t reason enough for her to condone or financially support me going under the knife.

Now that I am all grown up (although some people think wanting to do this is supremely childish) I give it thought every time I see a picture of myself. I don’t hate the way I look but I have never been particularly fond of my nose. So, here I am sitting on the brocade chairs in the Medical Tower waiting for the good Doctor to see me.

Let me make this clear, this is about curiosity and not insecurity. I hardly think Mandy Moore, Cameron Diaz, and Michelle Pheiffer got theirs done because they had low self esteem. Long story short, he said what I wanted done was not significant enough to have a surgery. I told him that was all the more reason for him to do it as I am clearly not one of those Joceyln Wildenstein freaks who is addicted to plastic surgery (I suggest you do an image search for her. You will find it fascinating and disturbing). He sighed deeply, cocked his head to the side, raised his eyebrows, and gave me that “Come on, Colleen. Let it go.” look I am used to receiving from people. He said he would consider it if I come back in a year and still want it done which he doesn't think I will.

Fine. I can’t afford it now and fankly, he’s probably right.

Blades, Prancing, and Spirit Fingers!

This is a fun thing to watch on a rainy Friday. If my friend Lauren didn’t send this cheerleading spot she does on Activity TV to me, I would never know it was her. Without her wrap dresses and stiletto heals she looks like a different person, but this is a cute look too. Even though she was big time college cheerleader and still coaches she is surprisingly a very mellow and bohemian person.

I was never a cheerleader, or the cheerleading type but this is adorable and educational.

http://activitytv.tv/activity.aspx?catID=14

And Your Homework Is...

I truly believe that reading makes you a better person. Especially novels but reading anything from newspapers to magazines is great. Below I listed a few books that I think everyone should read.

Bitch by Elizabeth Wurtzel
Ms. Wurtzel is my literary best friend. Saying that her books really speak to me is a cliché, but its true. I have read everything she wrote I could get my hands on including articles she wrote when she was attending Harvard and later when she was working for the New Yorker. Bitch is the most original book on feminism that has come along in a long time. She is indeed the Courney Love of letters. Her voice and views are, fresh, relevant, and a little insane. Her decision to pose topless on its cover reflects the risks she took in writing this book. Love her or hate her she embraces both and includes her reviewed praise and criticism in the first few pages.
The Art of Civilized Conversation by Margaret Shepherd
This is a great reference to have for anybody making that tricky transition into adulthood. Obviously there is a right and wrong way to partake in sophisticated verbal discourse and when you read this you will realize how many mistakes you are making without even knowing it. This will give you the confidence to talk to people who would otherwise intimidate you. It offers witty and charming ways to deal with awkward situations and that knowledge is priceless.


A Severed Head by Iris Murdoch
So far my favorite novel of hers. Her writing is beautifully nuanced and the characters are carefully crafted. She is a gifted writer and she is one of the select influential authors who set the bar for contemporary fiction. You will be thinking about her stories long after you finish them.

BTW- Joy Division, also not appriciated at work.

Ice Louge Anyone?

Come down to my part of town Sunday afternoon (1-6pm) for an ice carving contest. Resturants like London will be sponsoring it and so is F-Town's own Yard's Brewery so there should be plenty to eat and drink. There will be sake tastings and art for sale by RISD (the northerner's SCAD) and Tyler grads. D.J.'s, live music, and art, oh my!

Send winter packing in style. Its nice to have some peaceful closure after the anguish this winter has caused so you can start spring with a clean slate.

The Ice Box Project Space
1400 N. American St.
Philly 19122

Note To Self: Buy Beer

Just in time for St. Patty's day, I present you a new playlist of songs about Ireland or by Irish musicians that just listening to will give you the luck of the Irish. Again, ask and ye shall recieve. Erin Go Bragh!

1. Frank - Blood or Whiskey

2. Sally MacLennane - Pogues
3. Irish Blood, English Heart - Morrissey

4. The Boys Are Back In Town - Thin Lizzy

5. Ireland - Tori Amos

6.God Save Ireland - The Dubliners

7. Fair Ireland - Peter, Paul, and Mary

8. Suspect Device - Stiff Little Fingers

9. Sweetest Thing - U2

10. Bright Side of the Road- Van Morrison

11. Tuesday Morning - Pogues

12. Only Shallow - My Bloody Valentine

13. Ireland - Dar Williams

14. If I Ever Needed Someone - Van Morrison

Email me and I will get them out ASAP!

Love Thy Neighbor...

Savannah was full of crazy fucks like the lady in this video. Please PLEASE watch this. You'll thank me later.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QIovbVUvfa4

My BlackBerry, Myself

Monday I got a new BlackBerry to help me with my increasingly hectic life. One of the things that I really pride myself on is how I manage to make time for everyone and everything.

This week for example after a 5:45 pilates class I met with some administration people from the Bryn Mawr School of Social Work for dinner on Monday night to discuss a new downtown location in our Trust building.

Tuesday I also worked out and then found myself the victim of a bizarre and uninvited kiss from a 6’6” 300lb black man on the way to the see a new improve group called Tongue and Groove who rolled out the proverbial red carpet for their inagural performance at the Adrianne. One of the performers is starting up her own theatre company and I helped her get a great broker, whom she dubbed Peter"the Shark"Shrier, to find them space while she gets her business plan together and applies for her 501c.3. She may lease the space where the wonderful Mike Douglas Show was filmed in the 60s and 70s. I found out that another one of our brokers was on that show as a child model sporting some of the looks from the 1967 spring collections. If you could see what Scott looks like today you would find this hard to believe.

This afternoon I met with the Board’s financial chair for lunch. Fun. After work, along with my coworkers, will be going to the big ABM Building Services gala at the Franklin Institutea. We also get to see the King Tut exhibit they have going on now after the event.

Thursday I have Pilates again and then go to wash dogs and the Pennsylvania SPCA in North Philly. I always leave with scratches on my arm and smelling like wet dog. I keep trying to quit but seeing Jorge’s grateful expression when I leave keeps me coming back.

Friday will be terribly fabulous as I RSVP to my boss’s invitation to Freeman’s Auction House’s spring preview. There my friend Hilary and I will rub elbows with Philadelphia’s most wealthy residents, drink French wine and eat yummy canapé while pretending we belong there sitting in chairs that cost as much as a one year at our private colleges did. What a wonderful way to end a very busy and productive work week.

If this sounds overwhelming to you, now you know why half the time I seem manic and scattered!

One Lucky Son of A Bitch

I was just reminded of this guy Woody's site I was obsessed with a while back. I emailed it to a lot of people including my friend Hilary. I suggest you check it out too.

http://luckiestmanonearth.com/

Me: Did you read about the jihad? And his Undeniable Truths of Life... I read the WHOLE site. It is fascinating to me. I needed to sort through all his crazy anger and find out what really happened with his ex-wife, son and parents. Did you get to the part about why he is the luckiest man on earth? It’s because his great grandparents bought a ticket on the Titanic and didn't use it.

Hilary: Oh my god. I had to close the browser to stop reading. I was totally sucked in. I'm torn between feeling really, really sorry for him and being a bit scared of him. With a heaping dash of morbid fascination thrown in.

Maybe Hitler Could Have Used Some Zoloft...

Recently Tom Cruise gave Larry King a private tour of Scientology’s Hollywood museum, “Psychiatry: An Industry of Death.” MSN reports:

“I like Tom a lot,” King told the Palm Beach Post in discussing the tour, but adds he disagrees with the actor’s and Scientology’s position on anti-depressants and psychiatry. The church blames the latter on everything from patients’ suicides to the Holocaust.
“Their attack on psychiatry is incredible,” King said. “They hate psychiatry.”

The Holocaust? How relieved Larry King and the rest of G-d's chosen people must feel that finally they have some answers to explain the source of the evil behind the Third Reich. It wasn't Anti-Semitism, it was Freud!

Tom Cruise, you touch lives.

You're a Mean Girl Colleen

Late Friday afternoon I posted something that, albeit funny, was insensitive and mean. I took it down Saturday morning. Sometimes I get a bit carried away and do and say some stupid shit. I acknowledge what I wrote was the work to the petulant little brat inside me who I have to keep from coming out. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt someone’s feelings or make them feel bad in any way. I am embarrassed by my behavior and would like to thank the person who called me out on it.

On a side note, the brunch date I mentioned was quite pleasant, nice guy. Has his shit together.

Party Time! Excellent!

April Fool’s Day falls on a Sunday and I would like whoever can realistically come to celebrate it with me. Come looking foolish for witty food and drink!

Respondez-vous s’il vous plait.

My Finger Hurts

I’m feeling pretty good today but sadly my right ring finger cannot say the same. The knuckle has been sore for weeks and now it is swollen and puffy. I let it go so long because I didn’t want to get all sissy mary and make a big fucking deal but now it is starting to hurt when I type. For a compulsive writer like myself that is a scary thing. There are a few other health things that scare me shitless more than they should like gum disease. Gum disease will ruin your fucking life. Forget it, it’s all over. Read up on it and you will see all the horrors that can come from not taking care of your gums. It will give you the chills. I fear that like some people fear, say, genital warts. Apparently not a pleasant thing to have but the perfect thing to wish on your worst enemy. If I ever find myself with both gum disease and genital warts start looking out for a suicide blog post.

I digress. So, yesterday I went to my 83 year old primary care physician Dr. Wilbur Oaks on Rittenhouse Square. I don’t trust young doctors, even hot ones. I want a doc who's been around the block and has seen how medicine has evolved over the last century. You know, a guy who knows how to think inside the box before venturing out of it. I also love how he refers to the dressing gown as “this Halston creation”. He thinks it’s a fracture and now I have to go to Hahnemann today to get an x-ray. For my finger. I am annoying myself just writing this so I can’t even image how the intern who will have to do it feels. Then I have to get shot up with some cortisone so it will heal. Fun stuff.

On a happier note I was a little blue yesterday but the good Lord took notice and sent me a little pick me up. Around 7:00PM I was lounging on my mat at Lithe Studio chatting with my girl Carla when suddenly we heard something coming from the main room we have never heard there before, men’s voices. The owner Lauren trains Olympic rowers and they like her method so much that some of them came to check out her class. These men had the most unbelievable bodies and were so cute I couldn’t help but stare at them. If they never come back it will probably be because of the weird blond girl with the faraway look in her eyes. Sigh. I really enjoyed how difficult side plank lifts and releve sets at the barre were to them since they are so easy for me. They kicked my ass on the one handed push ups though. Which brings this full circle back to my finger. Push ups may be at the heart of the problem.

Sorry this is so lame. I can’t think of anything interesting. Over the weekend I will give it some thought. Happy Friday everyone!

Shake Some Action

I am restless these days. Maybe it is this last bit of winter but I can’t sit still in my life right now. Pilates was cancelled yesterday so there goes one of my ways to take my mind off things. Last night I didn’t even want to eat anything I had at home so stopped by N. 3rd to get a beet and goat cheese salad and although it's a favorite of mine it just didn’t do the trick either. So, I drove up to the NE Philly to hang out with my dad at the hospital. He looks great. Seriously, he has not looked this good in years. Quadruple bypass surgery really agrees with him. We shoot the shit and watch a shot put competition on one of the ESPN channels until visiting hours are over and then I head on back home.

Yet, I don’t feel like going home. I drive up Spring Garden to TLA to pick out some movies. I do get a little shot of adrenaline when the movie buffs behind the counter can’t identify the “movie where Warren Beatty plays a dead football player” for some old guy and I can (Heaven Can Wait). I get The King of Comedy, Marie Antoinette, and a documentary about some old German born actress who went crazy, Frances Farmer style.

Its only 9:00PM when I stop into the New Acropolis Diner on Girard, settle into a booth and pick a pie to match my mood. I feel like being by myself but don't want to be alone. I try to get through the latest Paris Review that I carry around with me that I have accepted I will never finish. When I bought it I really thought I wanted to get to the bottom of that whole JT Leroy thing. Guess not. Gazing out the window I poke at my slice of pie, drink my tea and try to think of something wrong or missing in my life. Nothin. I think there is a Sex in the City episode about this. My dad is doing great, work is good, my family and friends are fantastic to me, I fill every hour of everyday, I have things to look forward to, but I just have this feeling like something is missing. This need for something new isn’t like way I felt my last few months at Villanova where I would find myself in front of the full length mirror in my dorm, rimming my eyes with kohl liner while singing the Replacement’s “Unsatisfied” along with Paul Westerberg over and over. That time I dropped out and moved far away. Can’t do that this time.

Maybe I need a new hobby. Suggestions anyone?

I am so excited I could throw up!

I have been chatting with a couple friends and it looks like a trip to Savannah for the famous Sidewalk Arts Festival is in the works! I entered the festival twice, once with some girl from my 3-D design class and the second time with some Motion Graphics major I was dating whose name escapes me. I miss Savannah so much it hurts and this is the perfect reason to go down. Chrystal will come in from Atlanta and now we need to get Chris to drive down from Ashville to join us. Kate still lives there and I miss her apartment balcony (so many memories from those muggy Savannah nights). Luckily she is from the greater Philadelphia area so I get to see her when she comes home but I haven’t hung out with any of these friends since the fall.

The festival is April 29th so it will be beach weather. This is something to think about for any other SCAD alums who are on the fence about visiting their alma mater for the festivities. Laying on the beaches of Tybee and eating dinner at The Crab Shack sounds like total bliss right now. Nothing says fine dining like a hole in the middle of the table you throw your trash in. Naturally, there will be a big reunion reception at Pinkie Master’s where a round of PBR will be on Chris’ parents and we will eat all the popcorn Carol (the bartender who dated Capt. Mike from Riverstreet Riverboat Co.) can make. I will call my baby Stephen Mobley for some sloppy drunk kissing at Blaine’s Back Door Bar. Then we can go down to Chuck’s and look for that ambiguously gay guy who had a crush on both of us, take his wallet and buy drugs in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot on the South Side. Ah, those were the days.

I miss my friends, but most of all I miss the Bob. He will always hold a special place in my heart and hopefully soon our paths will cross again… Fingers crossed.

Sienna, why must you be such a fucking idiot?

Why, why, WHY? I adored the semi famous starlet from day one. She was like this little British debutant with the coolest boyfriend and natural, fresh scrubbed beauty that a girl only dreams about. I didn’t give a shit about her acting chops but needed her to stay in the public eye enough to be photographed. Why? Because she has the coolest sense of style of anyone I have seen since this girl Caitlin I went to SCAD with. I had a girl crush on Caitlin, big time. She was thin, gorgeous, nice, and rocked the coolest looks. I ran into her one time on karaoke night at that bar (I forget the name. Savannah people know, the one that backed up to Drayton right across from Parker’s market) and her boyfriend was so incredibly sexy in that scruffy male model way I think my jaw hit the floor. She wore the same 15 pieces and never wore them the same way. Sienna is like that too. I would see her in several candid shots wearing these adorable patent leather Marc Jacobs flats. Her red Moschino capelet, Balenciaga bag, and vintage cowgirl boots were also wardrobe staples mixed and matched with different pieces. None of that Paris Hilton never-wear-something-twice crap. Effortless chic, homegirl had it and I copied every look that I could pull off.

Then came the “Shitsburg” incident. Then her hissyfit outside a bar in Pittsburg if she hadn’t been enough of a brat. My sympathy from the whole “Jude fucked the nanny” thing – gone. And then most recently she sat down with the London Guardian and here are some of her prize quotes:

On cigarettes: "I love them. Love them, I think the more positive approach you have to smoking, the less harmful it is."

On why people do drugs: "'Cos they're fun! 'Cos they're fucking loads of fun! No, don't write that. I always end up putting my big fat foot in it."

On the drugs she does: "I still love a waterfall or the odd hallucinogenic drug. I liked mushrooms, which were legal until a year or so ago. If I had a drug of choice, it would be magic mushrooms") and pain-killing variety "I took a morphine pill [while researching her role in 'Factory Girl'], just to feel what a safe way of taking heroin was like. I didn't really feel a lot. I'm incredibly hardcore. Hahaha!".

On what she likes about Jude Law: "Heeheehee! Everything about him. He's an incredibly brilliant, intelligent, funny, charismatic, vivacious, kind, beautiful, rich," "Don't put the last thing."

It is like she wants me to hate her when I just want to go on adoring her. Maybe her publicist should go out with Lindsay Lohan’s overworked flack for drinks. You know, to welcome her to Hell.

Sacrifices, Sacrifices

Recently I realized that if I am going to go somewhere fun for vacation this year I am going to have to go on a financial diet. Cut out all the fat and stick to just my basic needs. And yes, I realize that my basic needs are a bit more extravagant than most peoples'. My buddy Keith balked when I told him how much I spent at the salon, “And that didn’t include a haircut??” Unfortunately for me I am not one of those fully evolved people who write articles in fashion magazines about how they have embraced their imperfections and learned to love their bodies and themselves regardless. I just can’t. Which brings me to my therapist, a fancy out of network doc, who’s comfy down filled Restoration Hardware chaise I lounge on when I do my “who am I? what does it all mean?” thing each week.

There are two types of people in this world, savers and spenders and I for sure am the latter. This is a girl who purchased a car and a house in her 24th year (both were on sale and used). But, indeed these are necessities. A girl needs a place to live and a vehicle to get her there and I justify it by knowing that I am not one of those poor souls who can’t negotiate their way out of a paper bag. I am quite scrappy. Even still, I am going to have make some cuts. One being that nights out are going to be reduced although I vowed to chip in more for the wine and beer I drink Keith’s or just switch to something concocted from the bottles collecting dust on top of his cabinets.

Clothing, accessories, and make-up purchases, my biggest vices, are going to have to be controlled. I have to say “so long” to the brightly painted MAC girls who make me think of what Rainbow Bright might look like if going to a very sassy funeral. I will also have to stomp around in last years espadrilles (sigh) come warmer weather. I acknowledge that jeans are an addiction and am slowly going through my own 12 step program to cure myself. A new thriftier me, here I come!

I think I may have to purchase a cilice to match my new lay person lifestyle.

Help! I need somebody.

Now, I don’t use a computer at home but Clay does. This past summer I got all the stuff for my roommate’s wireless internet and had a friend set it up for me. All was well for a while until one day, for no apparent reason it suddenly stopped working. Just like that (insert fingers snapping). The bill was being paid, nobody touched or moved anything and so it is a complete mystery. Yes, we utilized our Verizon “network” on call from India but not only could we not understand them (and vice versa) after an hour worth of T-Mobile minutes they could not give us any answers. They defeated us but now we are up and ready to play again. So, I am reaching out to anybody or everybody to please help us. Come on, be our pinch hitter. I will compensate you for your time with food and beverage as well as pleasant company.

Don’t make me start calling people.

Colleen, Your Barely Alive

Thanks for all the positive feedback! I am happy to amuse you all. Now, I know what you are thinking, “What is her process? What inspires her?” Unfortunately even I don’t know that. The only thing I can share is the background music I compile to drown out some of the persistent dialog in my mind. So, for an unlimited time only this new play list will be made available to anybody who wants it so if you do just shoot me an email and I’ll ship one out to you. Just my way of saying thanks to all my lovely friends.

1. La belle et la bete – Babyshambles
2. Young Folks – Peter Bjorn and John
3. Better Things – The Kinks
4. Wilder Than Her – Fred Eaglesmith
5. Alfie – Lily Allen
6. Get Me – Dinosaur Jr.
7. Never as Tired as When I’m Waking – LCD Soundsystem
8. The Funeral – Band of Horses
9. The One You Love – Rufus Wainwright
10. Front Row Seat to Hear Old Johnny Sing – Shel Silverstein
11. That Teenage Feeling – Neko Case
12. Jacksonville Skyline - Whiskeytown
13. Jenny, Your Barely Alive – Rilo Kiley
14. Miss Ohio – Gillian Welch

15. Aint That Enough – Teenage Fan Club

Casual Viewing

The sun is starting to peak out from behind those grey March clouds making Philadelphia look just slightly less depressing. From my office I can see into the rooms of the Ritz Carlton across Chestnut Street. In the picture the building on the left is the one I work in and the one on the right is the Ritz. Sometimes, early in the morning, I will be in the 22nd floor office with my cousin Michael and we look for hotel guests in various states of undress. As if this wasn’t fun enough we make a game where we assign a certain amount of points to the amount of skin we see. Spotting people getting it on is like, 10 points, the max unless there is a threesome but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. I usually see naked men drinking coffee and working on their laptops on the hotel desk that is right by the window. Once I saw three of these in the same area of the hotel and I felt like I was playing some kind of perverted version of Connect Four. We are not voyeurs in the traditional sense because neither of us is unattractive. It is just light hearted family bonding. Anyway, they bring it on themselves. You shouldn’t do anything in front of a window with the curtains open that you don’t want anybody to see, especially if it is in a tall building in a city.

From the conference room I can see into dorms of the Art Institute. Lots of nerds. Lots of boys playing video games but on a good day you may see some playing with light sabers. I smile and wave and entertain thoughts of flashing them, especially the Star Wars guys. I think they would appreciate it the most.

This is all I can do to take my mind off the emergency bypass surgery my father is having today.

That Time of the Month

I have a little personal tradition of buying a new scented candle every month. None of that Glade bullshit but fancy boutique candles like Mathew Izzo, Diptyque, Tocca. You get the idea. I spend the last week of every month looking for the perfect candle and it can be quite a lengthy process as I carefully weigh options and consider factors like season and the strength of the scent. I have the nose of a bloodhound and can actually separate layers and properly use phrases like “sparkling top note” and “citrus base scent”. I missed my calling as a perfumer as I can identify most scents on people as long as they are not too obscure. I have spent hours wandering around cosmetic counters testing scents while warding off the persistent sales people. March’s candle is Capri’s “Volcano” and it looks like the one pictured on the left. February’s candle was “Orange Blossom” from L’Occitane en Provance which was a nice mellow floral so I really think the transition to a bold crisp fruity scent will be a smooth one. I really do.

Heaven Must Be Missing Angels

I would like to take the time to talk about my wonderful roommate Clay Stewart. He is a Senior Finance major at Temple University and on the men’s gymnastics team. Not only is he talented, handsome, and smart, he is the best roommate I ever had. This is also in part to the fact that I am a much easier person to live with than during my messy college days. I will list the reasons below:

1. He is a Grey’s Anatomy fan. He loves it as much as I do which is a hell of a lot. He is a busy guy and sometimes he can’t make it home to watch it with me. During these rare occasions I sit on my chair watching the show and when something awesome happens I feel like a part of me is missing since I can’t talk about it with him. It’s just not the same since it is not just a show, it’s an experience.
2. His cat is adorable and gets along with Buster like they were plucked from the same litter.
3. He washes my dishes when I get lazy.
4. He spots me when I practice my headstands.
5. He is completely free of pretensions.
6. He motivates me to work out.
7. He has a great sense of style. I guess this doesn’t really affect me but its something I really like about him.
8. He puts up with me.
9. He introduced me to the flaming volcano.
10. He’s a vegetarian.
11. He doesn’t judge and some of my actions warrant even the most open minded people to raise eyebrows.

There you have it folks. Just another great reason to visit me in fabulous Fishtown!